Vacuum this!

Dear National Vacuum,

I was driving by your 6^th Street store the other day, like most days, when I noticed your current sign.  Now, I must say that I usually enjoy your signs; I find them witty and a nice break from the usual grind of traffic.  In fact, you are the first business I turn to when I need parts or service for my vacuum.  I mean, a vacuum isn’t the most important item in my life—until, that is, it breaks down.  My immediate recollection, in times of “vacuum need,” is your store; this is, no doubt, a result of your creative marketing.

Your current sign, a tribute to former president Reagan, is a bit over the top.  Ronald Reagan left office with one of the worst approval ratings of any president—rating just a smidgen above Richard Nixon.  Reagan created a shadow government that secretly dealt with terrorists; practically everything out of Reagan’s mouth was a fabrication—what, that is, he could remember.  Reagan’s massive deficit, bested only recently by the current dolt in office, left this country in a massive turmoil.  Reagan did NOT decrease the size of government as many uninformed types believe—the size of the military (a government agency) ballooned and the tax breaks for the ultra wealthy created a greater need for social services and similar government agencies.

In the future, stick to mindless catchy slogans for your signs and leave political science to the educated.  One must imagine the level of intelligence needed to sell vacuums; what’s the average IQ in your stores?  54?  65?  I can imagine the National Vacuum family: “passed down from generation to generation, reach-around optional.”

Oh in case there was any doubt, I will never step foot in your stores again.  By the time you receive this letter my protest against you ignorant white-trash rednecks, will have circulated the greater Posttown area.  I know, I know you’re “thinking” why should we care?  You’ll care because the Posttown area, sans limbic-system only functioning types such as yourself, is an intellectual and educated town. 

Should you have the inclination to reply, not bloody likely, please write out (legibly) your response and mail to the above address.  Try to use complete sentences and remember those grammar rules.  You should probably have an eight-year old look it over first.

Insincerely,